Goon

Heavy favorite to win the inaugural Snakes Invitational—mainly because counting above 5 is “advanced math” to him. This towering specimen is known for launching absolute missiles off the tee, occasionally even in the correct direction, and sometimes reaching the green on shorter par 4s… assuming he remembers which hole he’s on.

Beechard

Tough to talk trash when the guy actually knows how to play and somehow makes you look forward to riding in the cart with him. Need a beer? He’s basically a mobile beverage cart. Need a tee with tits? This golf pimp got a full inventory. With a short game this dialed in, don’t be surprised when he chips in for eagle—then casually hands you a drink like it’s just another Saturday.

Townsend

Late to the game, but already the undisputed longest hitter in the field—unfortunately, distance isn’t always paired with direction. Driver durability remains a concern, having drivers broken by pure swinging force, and emotional damage against cart paths. That said, this real-life Happy Gilmore will absolutely get you within eagle distance of the pin off every tee… you’ll just need a spotter, a map, and maybe a prayer.

Lipsky

Rumor has it Michelangelo took a break from statues to sculpt this guy. Built like a Greek god and dressed like he’s on a sponsorship deal, he’s got a real game to match thanks to his high school golf days.  With this anabolic girth goblin in your group, hydration is basically guaranteed—the cart girl never seems to stray too far from this stud's orbit. Expect a few highlight shots, a lot of confidence, and charm to keep the vibes.

Piper

The only time you’ll catch this guy not in a sleeveless shirt is apparently on the golf course. A certified ping pong legend, though his golf resume is limited—highlighted mainly by a prior injury courtesy of a golf tee. Surprisingly showed up with actual clubs in the bag, not just ping pong paddles or a couple frisbees for that disc golf nonsense. Skill level remains a mystery, but at least he’s dressed for the occasion.

Snakes

Found digging through a dumpster behind Rocco’s Pizza, this guy was taken in by the rest of the group. Cute at first, but he grew fast… and now they can’t get rid of him. Had to create a tournament in his own name just to stay relevant. You’ll recognize his shots immediately—low, slow, and slithering through the grass like they’ve got somewhere better to be. With his new “game improvement” irons, he’s slightly better than before—though at this rate, you hope he got them on sale, because they only improve his game about half the time.

K-Piper

Self-proclaimed “best of the Pipers”… and honestly, it might not be total delusion. Fresh off a questionably legitimate scramble win at Goon’s bachelor party, he’s still waiting on his payout — which, according to him, is the only thing standing between him and his PGA Tour card. Like his fellow Piper, he remains an enigma: will he show up dialed in or looking like he just rolled out of a barstool? Sleeves? Optional. Expectations? Confusingly high.

Phil Beechard

His son might be the best cart mate in the game, but with Phil, you’re the beverage cart. That said, keep the man properly stocked (beer choice matters), and you just might unlock the magic. The only member of the group inducted into the prestigious Hole-in-One Society, Phil famously credited the beer — not himself — for the shot. Humble? Maybe. Convenient? Definitely. Be prepared to hear the full story every time you hop in his cart… and then again at dinner (possibly twice). Now retired and logging more rounds than the rest of us combined, the question isn’t if we hear another hole-in-one story — it’s when.